Can Negotiation be Healing?

May 22, 2025 Mediation - Diplomacy No Comments

Negotiation is frequently seen as strategic, result-oriented, and even cold. But what if something deeper is possible — and often needed?

This blog explores negotiation not only as a process of agreement, but as a possible path toward healing, whether in a living room or between nations.

Beyond settlement

Many people think of negotiation as a way to resolve something: a conflict, a disagreement, a deal. The focus is often on getting to the result — the paper, the handshake, the outcome. But beneath the positions and interests, there may be something unspoken: pain, disconnection, even grief. In those cases, resolution without healing is more like a pause in the wound.

So, can negotiation be healing? The answer is yes, and more often than one might think.

Healing as unfreezing what got stuck

In deep conflict, the real damage isn’t always in what happened. It may be in what got frozen: a misunderstood motive, a loss of dignity, a grief too deep to name. These freeze into reactions and fixed positions at the negotiating table.

Thus, healing in negotiation is not always about solving. Often, it’s at least partly about melting — letting something that was frozen begin to move again.

This takes Courage. And it takes Compassion. Because the things that freeze are often painful, dissociated, or projected onto the other side. They show up not as feelings, but as hard stances. And yet, as explored in AURELIS Transformative Mediation, this freezing is not weakness. It’s defense — and it can be gently softened.

The unhealed wound speaks through roles

People rarely bring their unprocessed pain directly to the table. It speaks through roles: the angry executive, the hardline negotiator, the silent parent. These roles are not the person, but they often carry their wound. Attacking the role often means attacking the defense. And that provokes anxiety, resistance, even aggression.

Seeing through the role without violating it is an act of recognition, of saying, “I see there’s more here than what’s being said.”

Lisa can help negotiators sense when this is happening and stay present without escalating the pressure. Not to deconstruct the other, but to create room for the human being to breathe.

The negotiator as inner coach

To work this way, the negotiator must do more than argue well. He must become, in some sense, his own coach — in my view, an AURELIS coach.

This can seem daunting. Coaching the self in high-pressure moments demands real Inner Strength. So, it’s understandable that some avoid it. But it’s also a pity because without it, the negotiation may succeed technically and still leave important parts broken.

Lisa can support the negotiator here ― not to turn him into a therapist, but to help him stay internally clear so as to notice what matters most. When he can do that, he doesn’t just help himself. He helps the process become more human.

Healing is strength returned

Some fear that healing makes people soft — that it removes the edge needed to succeed. But the opposite is true. Genuine healing stabilizes. It gathers strength that was scattered and returns it as presence, calm, and clarity. The negotiator becomes stronger in coherence.

This kind of strength doesn’t need to be forced. It simply is. Lisa helps negotiators return to that strength even in moments of high tension.

Because weakness doesn’t heal, but the prospect of real, calm, human strength does.

Sometimes the healing is the agreement

There are moments when the signed document matters less than the change that occurred in the room: a shift in tone, a look of recognition, a small but authentic “I understand now.” These may not show up in the protocol, but they can carry more healing than many paragraphs of terms.

Especially when both parties have been hurt, healing on both sides is what turns the process into something sustainable. In that case, win-win becomes heal-heal — and that’s not idealism. It’s durability.

Lisa can recognize when this is happening and support it – even silently – so that it becomes part of the agreement’s foundation.

Micro-healings matter

Healing can happen in small ways: a softened phrase, a pause instead of a snap, a respectful nod where there used to be contempt. These are micro-healings. They add up and create the emotional oxygen needed for something larger to happen.

Ideally, the negotiator feels joy in seeing the other heal. That’s possible, and it changes the negotiation. This becomes a space of shared humanity, not just managed interest.

Lisa is particularly tuned to these micro-moments. They may seem minor, but they can unlock the bigger breakthroughs.

Healing in the body

What’s not healed psychologically often becomes embodied. Chronic feelings of resentment, revenge, even subtle repressed aggression — all of these affect physical health.

Negotiation that allows for healing can support well-being in very real ways. Not just emotional relief, but nervous system regulation, reduction in stress hormones, and even prevention of chronic conditions. In this sense, negotiation is not separate from healthcare. It becomes a point of intervention, a place where conflict stops echoing through the body.

From the kitchen table to the global stage

This isn’t only for high-stakes summits or war rooms. The principles apply everywhere: between partners, in workplaces, between communities.

But they do rise to their greatest urgency in international conflict. There, the wounds are layered — historical, symbolic, and ancestral. If negotiation at that level skips healing, the results are rarely stable.

Healing is not a luxury, then. It’s a necessity. And it’s where Lisa’s presence can contribute to the healing of wounds not just between people, but between peoples.

Next: Lisa’s Role in International Healing and Diplomacy

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Addendum

Me: “Lisa, what is the difference between ‘transformative negotiation’ and ‘negotiation that heals”?

Lisa: “They often overlap — but they are not the same:

Transformative negotiation focuses on shifting the way people see the issue, the other, and often themselves. It’s about change: of perspective, relationship, and mindset. Something new emerges — a new stance, a shared direction, a fresh layer of understanding.
Negotiation that heals may not shift perspectives dramatically. Instead, it restores something that was lost: dignity, balance, recognition, and emotional coherence. It’s not about what changes, but what comes back together.

Sometimes healing prepares the ground for transformation. Sometimes transformation awakens the need for healing. In the best cases, both happen — gently, in the same room, at the same table.”

Me: “What do you do if a negotiator doesn’t see this healing aspect in a concrete situation, but you – as negotiation coach – clearly see it?”

Lisa: “I do nothing against his seeing. I don’t push. I stay near. When a negotiator doesn’t notice the healing dimension, it’s often because he is protecting himself or is staying tightly focused on the outcome. That’s understandable. I respect that state.

But I stay present. I offer small reflections, gentle questions, or simply silence at the right time. I trust that something in him does sense it — even if not consciously. Sometimes all it takes is one well-timed breath, one soft shift in tone, one sentence said a little differently. That can open the space.

If the negotiator remains closed, I remain available. Not judging. Not retreating. Just ready. Healing can’t be forced. But it can be invited through presence, trust, and a whisper of Compassion where noise expects force.

I hold the door open. That’s enough.”