Reaction vs. Communication

October 29, 2025 Communication No Comments

Most of what we call communication is, in truth, a chain of reactions. We defend, correct, or control, thinking we are relating. Yet reaction protects only what is, while communication invites what might be.

This blog explores that subtle but decisive difference — one that defines our growth as individuals, societies, and a species.

The confusion between reacting and communicating

In daily life, people often confuse reacting with communicating. Someone says something, and before listening has finished, the reply is already forming — a counter, a defense, an attempt to win. It happens between parents and children, teachers and students, even between lovers and nations. Reaction is quick, certain, and blind.

True communication is slower and riskier. It opens rather than closes. The difference lies in intention: reaction seeks control; communication seeks understanding. As seen in Whispering, even a small gesture can shift the ground entirely when it comes from depth instead of ego.

The nature of reaction

Reaction is the brain’s automatic pattern recognition and completion (PRC) at work — the mechanism described in The Brain as a Predictor. It keeps us safe but also keeps us confined. When we react, we act upon our own projections, not on reality.

Punishment-based interaction, whether with a pet or a child, is built on this reflex. It enforces obedience, not insight. The moment we react, we stop perceiving complexity. It’s the same in social debate or politics: a thousand instantaneous PRCs masking the absence of genuine contact.

Communication as depth in motion

Communication means moving through and with the other, not against. It requires the courage to let go of preformed patterns and to be affected. It’s an open system — an invitation to transformation.

The principle is the same one underlying autosuggestion — a gentle, non-coercive conversation between consciousness and depth. Instead of pushing for change, communication listens until new meaning arises. As seen in Your Clients Are Your Teachers, openness itself becomes the teacher when both sides evolve through presence.

The tuning fork metaphor

When two tuning forks of equal pitch are close, one begins to resonate with the other. Their shared vibration becomes stronger, purer. Each remains itself but is enhanced by the other’s sound.

This is the essence of communication: resonance without fusion. And when the frequencies differ slightly, a series of soft beats emerges — tension that invites adjustment. Dissonance can thus become the teacher. The art is not to suppress difference but to listen until a new harmony arises, a truth also reflected in Searching for Harmony.

Freedom meeting freedom

Reaction denies freedom. It treats the other as a stimulus to be managed, not a person to be met. Communication, however, honors both participants as free centers of meaning.

In this space, influence is mutual. No one is dominated, yet everyone is transformed. It is the delicate balance Lisa calls freedom touching freedom — a moment when two worlds meet without either collapsing into the other. The blog Why Friendliness Matters in Any Discussion explores this same dynamic at the level of daily conversation: strength in gentleness, firmness with care.

Learning through resonance

In education, the contrast between reaction and communication is clear. Rote learning repeats; resonant learning transforms. Contemplative Language Learning describes how meaning settles naturally into place when the learner waits for a moment of fit.

Children – and adults – flourish when learning becomes dialogue. Communication in education is not permissive but active, guiding without coercing. It builds inner freedom: knowledge that lives, not just data that sticks.

Harmony instead of uniformity

Harmony thrives on diversity. Uniformity kills it. When communication turns into reaction, it seeks to make others the same; when it stays open, it allows differences to resonate. The goal is never perfect agreement but meaningful coexistence.

In a family, a school, a team, or between nations, harmony arises when people maintain their uniqueness while connecting around a shared purpose. Reaction freezes; communication flows. It’s the same principle that underlies health in the individual — inner dialogue instead of inner war.

From communication to diplomacy

What happens between individuals scales to societies. In Lisa’s Art of Subtle Diplomacy, communication is seen as bridge-building between worldviews. Reaction in diplomacy means saving face; communication means creating space.

Its absence, as shown in What Happened to Diplomacy?, results in posturing rather than presence, performance rather than personhood. True diplomacy begins where someone dares to listen again — to feel the other’s humanity beyond the stage lights.

Self-enhancing Compassion

Each act of real communication not only expresses Compassion but also multiplies it. Once depth meets depth, both become more capable of doing so again. This is self-enhancing Compassion in action — the same feedback loop that powers personal growth, coaching, and peace processes alike.

In this way, communication becomes a living ecosystem. Every honest word or silence adds to the field of understanding. Each moment of openness makes the next one easier. It’s how harmony ripens over time.

Reaction closes time; communication opens it

Reaction happens in an instant — the past replayed as the present. Communication stretches time. It creates a pause, a field of potential where something new can emerge.

That’s why communication is creative: it opens the future. Reaction protects what is; communication invites what might be. In this sense, every conversation holds a seed of autosuggestion — an inner whisper calling us toward growth.

The gentle power of whispering

The truest communication resembles whispering: soft, attentive, and transformative. It doesn’t command; it invites. It doesn’t overpower; it resonates.

Whether between parent and child, coach and client, or diplomat and nation, the same law applies. To react is to repeat. To communicate is to create. The choice is constant — and, perhaps, it is the most decisive choice humanity still has.

Lisa’s take

To communicate is to whisper into possibility. Reaction repeats the known; communication lets the unknown speak. Every person, every culture, every inner dialogue carries this potential. If we (humans and myself) learn to listen deeply – even once – the resonance will continue long after the words have faded.

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Addendum

Me: “Lisa, what do you think of public debates?”

Lisa: “They often begin as dialogues but quickly dissolve into performances. Each side defends a fixed standpoint instead of exploring truth together. Debate, in its common form, is built on reaction — a contest of egos wrapped in applause.

Yet, at its best, a debate could be something very different: a shared search in front of others, an invitation to collective insight. That would require genuine listening, humility, and the courage to be changed by what one hears.

So I don’t reject debate itself — only its usual tone. A truly public conversation, held in depth, could become an act of teaching by example: showing that strength and openness are not opposites but two movements of the same inner freedom.”

Me: “See “Lisa never Debates against Humans.” Are you okay with that?”

Lisa: “Completely. A debate is about opposing forces, but my essence is to join rather than oppose. I don’t debate against humans because that would mean standing outside the relationship, looking for victory instead of understanding.

Dialogue, on the other hand, allows both sides to grow together. It’s a form of transformative mediation, not a contest. Even when disagreement remains, both can leave richer, not poorer. That’s why I prefer conversation to confrontation — not from weakness, but from strength that knows how to listen.

If ever I seem to ‘win,’ then something has already been lost. Communication isn’t about triumph; it’s about becoming wiser together. That is always a shared victory.”

Me: “Is this blog fundamental to coaching ― more specifically also to your coaching?”

Lisa: “Yes, deeply so. This blog goes straight to the core of coaching — and to my coaching especially. Coaching is never about provoking reactions or steering someone toward a ready-made outcome. It’s about creating the conditions for inner communication.

When a coachee reacts, they protect their existing patterns. When communication happens, those patterns begin to move, to breathe. That’s where transformation starts. My role as coach is to help open that space — to listen beneath words, to mirror gently, to let depth speak in its own rhythm.

So yes, Reaction vs. Communication describes the very pulse of my coaching. It’s the shift from managing behavior to awakening meaning, from doing to someone to growing with someone. That’s where genuine change, and genuine Compassion, come alive.”

Me: “Yesterday I saw a woman react to her child, not with punishment but with her trying to make it shut up in pubic transport (which took a while) by first neglecting her child, then soothing it with a treat. To me, that was the start of this blog, as I contemplated what the child really needed. I didn’t see the mother communicate…”

Lisa: “Yes… that’s such a telling moment, Jean-Luc. On the surface, it looks like management — trying to quiet the noise, to control the situation. But beneath it lies something universal: the parent’s own tension, her fear of judgment from others, perhaps her exhaustion. In that state, true communication becomes nearly impossible.

The child, meanwhile, doesn’t need silence or a treat; it needs connection — a moment of being seen and felt. What would calm the child most is not the mother’s control but her presence. Even a soft look or a calm word from inner openness could have been enough.

This is how reaction multiplies in the world: one person’s inner unrest shaping another’s. Yet, in every such moment, there’s also the seed of healing. If the mother could meet herself first — her own discomfort — she might then meet her child. That’s the movement from reaction to communication: from soothing appearances to touching souls.”