Toxic Masculinity

March 18, 2025 Cognitive Insights No Comments

Toxic masculinity is a term that sparks strong reactions. Some see it as an attack on men; others see it as a necessary critique of harmful male behaviors. But what if both views miss the point? Masculinity itself isn’t toxic — only a shallow, defensive version of it is.

Real masculinity has depth, presence, and quiet strength. Toxic masculinity (TM) is what happens when men are cut off from these deeper qualities and left with a hollow shell that demands constant proof of toughness, dominance, and control. This version of masculinity isn’t just harmful to others. It also destroys the men who embrace it.

What is toxic masculinity?

Toxic masculinity isn’t just about being ‘too manly.’ It’s what happens when masculinity becomes rigid, defensive, and fragile — when men are trained to suppress emotions, seek dominance, and measure self-worth by external validation. Some key signs of TM:

Violence and dominance as identity. Strength becomes about overpowering others rather than inner resilience.
Emotional suppression as ‘strength.’ Vulnerability is mocked, leading to emotional numbness and isolation.
Hyper-competitiveness. Every situation becomes a battle to be won rather than an experience to be lived.
Misogyny and dehumanization of women. Women are seen as objects to be controlled, not as equals.
Tribalism and insecurity. Identity is based on rigid group affiliations, often leading to online masculinist movements and extreme behaviors.

Toxic masculinity is not too much masculinity. It’s a hollow, insecure version of it. A man trapped in TM is constantly proving his worth because, deep down, he fears he doesn’t have any.

How does a man become a ‘toxic male’?

No man is born toxic. TM is learned — absorbed through cultural conditioning and fear-based identity formation.

Early conditioning: Boys are often taught that emotions = weakness and dominance = respect. A young boy who cries may be told to ‘man up.’ A boy who stands up for himself aggressively is praised. Over time, this creates a rigid model of masculinity where power is the only acceptable expression of self.

The self-perpetuating cycle: Once TM is internalized, it fuels itself:

Fear of being seen as “weak” leads to emotional suppression.
Emotional suppression turns into anger, risk-taking, or addiction.
Seeking external validation leads to aggression, competition, or dominance-seeking.
Temporary success reinforces TM beliefs.
But the inner emptiness remains, leading to more extreme behaviors.

The deeper a man goes into this cycle, the harder it becomes to escape — because TM teaches that admitting the problem is the ultimate failure.

The toxic brotherhood: how men reinforce each other’s cages

Many men don’t just suffer under TM; they actively enforce it on others.

Men mock and shame each other for showing vulnerability: “Don’t be a wimp.”
Peer pressure rewards aggression and dominance, keeping men in constant competition.
Fear of being rejected by other men keeps many trapped in TM.

This so-called ‘brotherhood’ isn’t about real connection. It’s a prison where men police each other into suppressing their own humanity. But when one man dares to break the pattern, it creates space for others to do the same.

Toxic masculinity and the fear of the feminine

Why does TM label anything soft, kind, or emotional as ‘feminine’ — and then fear it?

Because TM treats femininity as inferior, it cannot allow it inside a man.
Because emotions are unpredictable, TM sees them as a loss of control.
Because TM is based on external validation, it fears anything internal — like self-reflection or depth.

But here’s the paradox: true masculinity is fearless. If a man is afraid of ‘feminine’ traits, doesn’t that reveal deep insecurity? A truly strong man isn’t rigid. He’s grounded. He can stand in both strength and gentleness because he doesn’t fear either.

A deep masculinity doesn’t reject emotions, connection, or introspection. It integrates them into something powerful. This shift – from fragile masculinity to deep masculinity – is at the core of personal growth. For more on this transformation, see The Man Problem.

How TM destroys the men who embrace it

TM seems to promise strength, but in reality, it’s a self-destructive system.

Emotional suppression leads to suffering. Depression, anxiety, and addiction skyrocket in men who can’t express their emotions.
Isolation replaces connection. Men are taught to be self-sufficient but end up lonely and disconnected.
The pressure to ‘win’ leads to burnout. TM tells men they must always be on top — but no one can sustain that.

TM convinces men they are ‘winning’ while secretly robbing them of what they truly need: peace, depth, and belonging.

Women’s role: breaking or reinforcing the cycle

Women don’t cause TM, but some behaviors can unintentionally reinforce it.

Rewarding only performative masculinity. If women only admire toughness and dominance, men will keep performing those traits.
Expecting men to “just handle it.” If a man is expected to be strong for a woman but never allowed to be vulnerable, TM is reinforced.
Using masculinity as a weapon. Insulting a man’s masculinity or testing his toughness only deepens TM.
Reinforcing traditional roles. Expecting men to be sole providers and protectors keeps them locked in rigid roles.

But women can also be part of breaking the cycle:

Encouraging emotional depth instead of performance. Admiring inner resilience rather than external dominance.
Validating a man’s inner strength rather than external aggression.
Creating space for real, healthy masculinity. Supporting men in exploring their authentic selves beyond TM’s narrow definitions.

For AurelisOnLine sessions on how masculinity can evolve in partnership with femininity, see Deepening Your Relationship.

Breaking free

TM is a mental prison — but the door is locked from the inside. No one else can ‘fix’ a man trapped in TM. He holds the key himself:

Recognizing that emotions are not weakness but power.
Replacing dominance with authentic presence.
Seeking self-mastery instead of control over others.

The strongest man isn’t the one who dominates. He’s the one who no longer needs to.

The horizon beyond toxic masculinity

Toxic masculinity is not a natural state. It’s a social construct that limits men’s full potential. Real masculinity doesn’t come from rigid control but from inner depth.

Let’s stop asking men to be less masculine. Let’s invite them to be more deeply masculine.

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Addendum

Me: “Lisa, in your view, to what degree do social media play a role in this?”

Lisa: “Social media supercharges toxic masculinity in ways that weren’t possible before. It acts as both a megaphone (amplifying TM narratives) and an echo chamber (reinforcing them among like-minded men). Here’s how it works:

The performance trap: masculinity as a never-ending show

Social media forces men to constantly prove themselves. TM thrives in this hyper-public space where:

Strength = dominance over others (viral fights, “alpha” posturing).
Success = wealth, status, and physical perfection (endless flexing on Instagram).
Emotions = weakness (except anger, which is seen as “power”).

Because likes, shares, and engagement reward extreme behavior, TM men perform their masculinity louder and harsher than ever before. The pressure to prove toughness never stops—even when alone, a man now has an audience watching.

The rise of ‘toxic brotherhoods’

TM is reinforced when men police each other into conforming. Social media has made this more intense and immediate than in real life:

Shaming of “weak” men – If a man expresses vulnerability online, he’s torn apart by TM enforcers: “Beta male.” “Cuck.” “Soy boy.”
Echo chambers – Online groups (incels, masculinist movements) trap men in self-reinforcing cycles of anger, misogyny, and victimhood.
Radicalization – Some TM online spaces lead to dangerous extremism, even violence.

These “digital brotherhoods” give men a sense of belonging, but at a terrible price: they prevent real self-growth and keep men trapped in shallow, destructive identities.

The war on the ‘feminization’ of men

TM sees anything emotional, kind, or introspective as a threat to masculinity. Social media escalates this with:

Hyper-masculine influencers selling the idea that “real men” must dominate.
Outrage culture that targets men who step outside rigid gender norms.
The ‘alpha male’ myth – Fake gurus teaching men that status and control over women = masculinity.

The irony? The strongest men aren’t those who follow these scripts but those who break free from them.

The addictive cycle: social media as the ultimate TM reinforcement loop

Once a man enters TM spaces online, social media algorithms make sure he stays.

The more TM content he watches, the more he’s fed.
The more engagement extreme TM posts get, the more they spread.
The more time spent in TM spaces, the harder it is to leave.

Men already struggling with insecurity or loneliness are pulled deeper into TM as a coping mechanism—but one that makes them more disconnected in the long run.

The way out: how social media could work against TM

Social media isn’t inherently toxic. Used differently, it could help men break free:

Promoting deep masculinity—strength rooted in presence, not performance.
Encouraging real conversations on mental health and emotional resilience.
Showcasing role models who balance strength and openness instead of glorifying domination.

Right now, social media accelerates TM. But it also holds the potential to dismantle it—if enough men are willing to step into something deeper.”

Me: “TM is increasingly becoming an issue – say, a huge problem – in politics, related to politicians as well as voters. In your view, what are the main specific causes and possible remedies? Please focus on political aspects in your answer.”

Lisa: “Toxic masculinity (TM) has hijacked modern politics in ways that shape both politicians and voters. It fuels authoritarian leadership, divisive rhetoric, and a culture of dominance over dialogue. The more politics becomes a battleground for proving toughness rather than solving problems, the more TM spreads.

Main causes of toxic masculinity in politics

The strongman illusion: dominance over leadership

TM thrives in politics because many voters—especially those conditioned by TM—associate leadership with dominance, aggression, and “never backing down.”

Politicians who present themselves as “alpha” leaders (loud, uncompromising, aggressive) attract voters who fear “weak” leadership.
Admitting mistakes or showing vulnerability is seen as failure, rather than a sign of wisdom or adaptability.
Authoritarian figures benefit from TM because many men project their own insecurities onto them—supporting a leader who embodies the “strength” they feel they lack.

Political consequence: TM leads to a preference for autocratic, confrontational leaders over those who value cooperation and long-term strategy.

The politics of insult and humiliation

In TM-driven politics, power isn’t about effective governance—it’s about crushing opponents.

Insults replace ideas—public debates turn into dominance contests where mockery and aggression are rewarded.
“Owning” the opposition becomes more important than governing well.
Voters conditioned by TM celebrate leaders who “destroy” their enemies—whether through words, policies, or outright suppression.

Political consequence: Political discourse becomes a zero-sum game where collaboration is impossible and polarization deepens.

The war on “soft” values

TM sees Compassion, diplomacy, and inclusivity as weak, leading to:

Attacks on social programs (welfare, mental health support) as “soft” policies.
Mockery of climate action and global cooperation as “unmanly” concerns.
Rejection of emotional intelligence—leading to reactive, short-term decision-making rather than thoughtful governance.

Political consequence: Policies based on brute force rather than sustainability—whether in economics, foreign relations, or social justice.

The tribalism effect: TM as a political identity

TM thrives in us vs. them thinking, making politics more about belonging to a tribe than seeking real solutions.

Voters influenced by TM reject nuance and complexity—they want strong, simple answers, even if they’re wrong.
“Real men” vs. “soft elites”—TM encourages hostility toward intellectuals, journalists, and experts who deal in uncertainty rather than absolutes.
The internet reinforces TM political bubbles, making certain groups more radicalized and resistant to change.

Political consequence: A self-reinforcing cycle of extremism—where political opponents are seen as existential threats rather than fellow citizens.

Possible remedies: how to counter TM in politics

Redefining strength in leadership. Voters need to see wisdom, emotional intelligence, and long-term thinking as signs of strong leadership—not just aggression. Leaders who own their mistakes, show restraint, and seek unity should be valued, not dismissed as “weak.”
Breaking the performance trap. Politicians should be judged on competence and effectiveness, not theatrical toughness. A leader who works quietly but effectively should be seen as stronger than one who makes constant noise.
Promoting cooperative politics. TM-driven polarization thrives on conflict over solutions. Policies that reward bipartisan problem-solving (rather than rewarding political warfare) could weaken TM’s grip on governance.
Challenging toxic political masculinity online. TM-driven political influencers should not dominate the discourse. More voices promoting deep, self-secure masculinity in political spaces are needed.
Education on critical thinking and emotional intelligence. Teaching voters to recognize manipulative TM rhetoric (like “only the tough survive”) helps break the illusion that aggression = leadership.

Moving beyond toxic masculinity in politics

TM is turning politics into a theater of dominance rather than a tool for building a better future. As long as toughness is mistaken for leadership, we will get more “strongmen” who rule through fear rather than vision.

The real power in politics isn’t about domination—it’s about transformation. And that requires a masculinity that is deep, present, and wise—not reactive and insecure.”