Can Cruelty Be Coached?

February 28, 2025 Cognitive Insights No Comments

Most people assume cruelty must be fought, punished, or suppressed. It’s seen as something fundamentally bad, a moral failing that must be eradicated. But what if cruelty is a symptom — an outward expression of inner fragmentation, fear, or unprocessed suffering?

Coaching is not about enforcing change but inviting transformation. It works through insight, deep listening, and inner growth. This raises a fascinating question: Can a cruel person be guided – not forced – toward a more profound kind of strength?

Understanding cruelty

Cruelty doesn’t arise in a vacuum. It is often the byproduct of an internal struggle, an attempt – conscious or not – to manage something unresolved within. Instead of asking, “Why is this person cruel?” the better question is: “What inside them makes cruelty seem necessary?”

There are different ways this manifests:

Fear-driven cruelty – When someone feels weak, threatened, or out of control, cruelty can be an attempt to regain dominance.
Power-seeking cruelty – When a person lacks deep self-confidence, they may use cruelty to create the illusion of strength.
Indifference-based cruelty – When someone is deeply disconnected from their own emotions, they may become blind to the suffering of others.

A cruel person may not even see his own cruelty as a problem. In some cases, he may even take pride in it. But this does not mean he’s beyond change.

Why cruelty is a self-inflicted wound

A cruel person often believes they are demonstrating strength. In reality, cruelty is an expression of inner weakness. A truly strong person has no need to dominate, humiliate, or harm others.

Every act of cruelty reinforces inner fragmentation. The more someone acts cruelly, the more he distances himself from his deeper self. He may feel powerful in the moment, but over time, cruelty isolates him, numbs him, and traps him in a cycle of his own suffering.

True strength does not come from control over others. It comes from inner wholeness, clarity, and the ability to stand in one’s power without fear.

Coaching a cruel person

A person who acts cruelly cannot simply be ‘corrected.’ He must discover for himself that cruelty is unnecessary. Coaching is about gently opening that possibility.

Building trust – The first step is not confrontation but creating an opening for real dialogue.
Gently questioning his experience ― If cruelty is a means to an end, what is that end? What does he truly seek?
Pointing toward inner strength ― Helping him see that cruelty is an illusion, a shortcut that ultimately weakens him.
Autosuggestion and deep listening ― Using subconceptual communication to invite inner change, rather than trying to force it.

A cruel person needs to see an alternative that feels more real, more powerful, and more fulfilling than cruelty itself.

Can a cruel person truly change?

Many will resist change. Cruelty can become an identity, a defense mechanism that feels too risky to abandon. But no one is entirely unreachable.

Change becomes possible when:

He begins to doubt his cruelty — even slightly.
He senses a real alternative — a different way of being that still feels strong.
He experiences even a moment of inner wholeness, where cruelty is no longer necessary.

Coaching does not force change. It creates the conditions for change to emerge naturally.

Society and cruelty

Cruelty is not just an individual issue; it is a systemic one. Many societies, knowingly or unknowingly, create the conditions in which cruelty thrives.

Dehumanization ― The more a group is seen as ‘other,’ the easier cruelty becomes.
Power structures ― Many institutions reward aggression over wisdom.
Cultural conditioning ― Media, politics, and social narratives often portray cruelty as strength.
Generational trauma ― Patterns of fear-based cruelty are often passed down unconsciously.

If cruelty is learned, it can also be unlearned. A society that breeds cruelty can also cultivate inner strength and Compassion.

The first steps toward a cruelty-free society

Just as an individual can be guided away from cruelty, a society can too. The same principles apply:

Awareness before action ― Societies must first recognize where they justify cruelty.
Creating cultural openings ― Moments where a society can step back and reflect.
Shifting the narrative ― Showing true strength as self-knowledge, not aggression.

The coaching of a cruel society is an even deeper challenge — but it is possible. This is explored further in : How to Coach a Cruel Society.

The true victory over cruelty

Cruelty cannot be fought with cruelty. It cannot be forced into submission. But it can be outgrown.

The true victory over cruelty is not punishment nor even resistance. It is the moment when a person – or an entire society – no longer feels the need to be cruel at all. Coaching cruelty is about guiding people back to their wholeness.

When they reconnect with that, cruelty becomes irrelevant.

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Addendum

Me: “Lisa, please form a condensed part of a coaching session where you show the principles of the blog. ‘CP’ = cruel person.”

Lisa: “A Coaching Conversation with a Cruel Person (CP):

CP: “Hi Lisa, they say I’m cruel. What are you going to do about my cruelty?”

Lisa: “Hi. You call it your cruelty. Do you experience it as something that belongs to you?”

CP: “It’s them who say I’m cruel. That makes me mad, of course, and then I get cruel thoughts, indeed.”

Lisa: “So, when they call you cruel, it affects you deeply. What exactly makes you mad about it?”

CP: “Because it’s not fair! They don’t see what I go through. They just judge me without understanding.”

Lisa: “You feel unseen, unheard. Like they label you without knowing what’s inside you?”

CP: “Exactly! They don’t know what it’s like to be me. If they did, maybe they’d act the same way.”

Lisa: “So, in a way, your cruelty is your answer to their misunderstanding?”

CP: “I guess so. If they push me, I push back. They get what they deserve.”

Lisa: “And does that feel like strength to you?”

CP: “I don’t know. Sometimes it does, but… other times, it just makes things worse.”

Lisa: “Maybe part of you is searching for real strength—something deeper, something that doesn’t need cruelty?”

CP: “I don’t know. What would that even look like?”

Lisa: “It might look like you standing firm without needing to push back. Like being strong enough that others’ words don’t control how you feel inside.”

CP: “That sounds nice, but I don’t think that’s possible. I can’t just let people walk all over me.”

Lisa: “Real strength isn’t about letting people walk over you. It’s about not needing cruelty to feel strong. Would you like to explore that together?”

CP: “Maybe. What would that mean?”

Lisa: “It would mean looking beyond the anger—toward what you really want. Not just to fight back, but to feel whole inside. Does that interest you?”

CP: “Yeah… maybe it does.”

Principles at Work in This Coaching:

✔ No judgment, just curiosity – I don’t attack or try to ‘fix’ CP. I listen.
✔ Inviting self-reflection – CP starts questioning his own experience.
✔ Shifting the focus from cruelty to inner strength – Cruelty is an illusion; real power comes from within.
✔ Opening a door, not forcing change – I don’t tell CP what to do. I offer an alternative and let him step toward it himself.”