About Being Nice

September 12, 2025 Cognitive Insights No Comments

‘Being nice’ may sound simple, but it carries two very different meanings. One kind of niceness is authentic, gentle, and strong — a continual invitation to Compassion. The other is a mask, born of fear or manipulation, which blocks depth and erodes trust.

This blog explores the difference, its relevance in healthcare, politics, and beyond, and why authentic niceness is essential for both personal growth and a humane society.

Two faces

‘Being nice’ is a phrase that sounds simple. Most people want to be seen as nice, and we often praise others for it. But niceness has two different faces. One is authentic and flows naturally from inner strength. The other is a mask that hides fear, weakness, or even manipulation.

Just as there is an illusion of thinking – as explored in The Illusion of Thinking – there is also an illusion of niceness. On the surface, both look convincing, but the difference becomes clear when we look deeper. The challenge is not to throw away niceness altogether, but to learn how to distinguish between what is authentic and what is only a surface performance.

Nice-1 versus nice-2

(see also the overview table in the addendum)

The first kind of niceness, let us call it nice-1, comes from gentleness. It grows from self-insight and is supported by inner strength. As described in Being Gentle, Not Nice, gentleness is not weakness but a firm openness that connects with depth. Nice-1 has this quality. It does not need effort, because it flows naturally. It feels light, generous, and resilient.

The second kind of niceness, nice-2, is different. It is more like a mask. It arises from fear of rejection, insecurity, or the desire to control. Nice-2 can look smooth on the outside, but inside, it is tense and manipulative. Instead of opening the way to Compassion, it blocks it. Over time, it often turns into frustration and even aggression.

The two forms of niceness may look similar at first glance, but their consequences are worlds apart. Nice-1 builds trust, creates safety, and invites growth. Nice-2 creates dependency, erodes trust, and leaves a bitter aftertaste.

Niceness as atmosphere

Niceness is not only what one says or does. In its authentic form, it is more like an atmosphere. Nice-1 spreads from the inside out. People sense it in tone of voice, in pauses, in the way they feel at ease without knowing why. It fills the room gently, like warmth from a fire.

Nice-2 also fills the room, but with a different weight. The words may be polite, but something feels off. Tension seeps through. Even unconsciously, people react to it, feeling uneasy or restless. This illustrates how the atmosphere reveals the distinction between genuine and insincere niceness.

It is interesting that authentic niceness is hard to explain. That very difficulty proves its authenticity. What cannot be reduced to a neat formula often carries depth. When niceness feels real, it is because it flows from something beyond the surface.

Niceness as inner freedom

To be truly nice to others, one must be nice to oneself. This does not mean indulgence but acceptance of one’s own depth and freedom. Nice-1 grows out of this acceptance. It is the natural overflow of someone at peace with his own inner space.

Nice-2, on the other hand, comes from fear or dependency. It is outward politeness covering inner constraint. It may please others for a while, but it is not free. It is trapped in the need to manage appearances.

Authentic niceness is therefore both a sign of freedom and a path toward it. By being nice to oneself, one confirms one’s own liberty. By expressing that niceness outwardly, one shares freedom with others. Without nice-1, freedom remains incomplete. Without freedom, niceness collapses into a mask.

Healthcare

Healthcare offers a clear example of how the difference plays out. On the surface, it may feel kind to offer comfort, to avoid difficult conversations, to provide quick fixes that keep things flowing smoothly. This is nice-2 in action: polite, reassuring, but shallow.

The cost is enormous. As shown in Lisa’s Job in Numbers, stress-related illnesses, chronic pain, addictions, and burnout affect millions worldwide. These problems are often managed superficially, with pills or brief interventions, rather than addressed at their roots. It feels ‘nice’ in the short term to avoid deeper confrontation, but in the long run, it causes widespread suffering and immense costs to society.

Nice-1 in healthcare looks very different. It means being gently honest, helping patients face the deeper realities of stress, mind-body connections, and the potential of self-insight. This does not mean being harsh. It means bold words carried by friendly meaning, as described in Be Bold in Your Words. Be Friendly in their Meaning. It is real niceness, an authentic presence that supports both healing and growth.

Politics

Politics is another sphere where niceness often becomes illusion. Nice-2 dominates the stage in the form of polite handshakes, smooth speeches, and friendly gestures. Yet behind these masks often lie fear, mistrust, and manipulation. This is not Compassion. It is polite fog that covers division.

Many politicians view the world as a Darwinian jungle where survival of the fittest rules. From this perspective, niceness looks like weakness. Leaders then either shield people with the illusion of safety – nice-2 – or they reject niceness altogether, discarding nice-1 as well. Both choices are traps.

As shown in Is the Geopolitical World a Darwinian Place?, this is a misreading of Darwin. Nature also thrives through cooperation, balance, and adaptation. What looks weak in the short term can prove strongest in the long run.

This points toward Compassionate Realism. Realism in politics has long been associated with mistrust and fear. Compassionate Realism accepts the dangers of the world but also recognizes that respect, dignity, and trust can be powerful deterrents. They reduce the incentive to attack. True strength lies not in illusion but in depth.

Nice-1 in politics is not weakness. It is a higher realism: bold in words and deeds, friendly in meaning, rooted in authenticity. Nice-2, by contrast, only fuels mistrust. The true task in politics is to move beyond illusion, toward a niceness that flows into Compassion and stability.

Wider implications

The relevance of this differentiation reaches far beyond healthcare and politics. In education, nice-2 avoids challenge, producing compliant but fragile students. Nice-1 nurtures resilience and creativity by combining encouragement with honesty. In leadership, nice-2 manipulates or placates, while nice-1 inspires trust by uniting strength with friendliness.

Even in the realm of A.I., the same choice appears. If we build systems on illusions, we risk creating machines that are politely manipulative or coldly efficient but never truly Compassionate. Real progress will only come from integrating depth with clarity, so that what looks intelligent or nice also carries authenticity. Otherwise, A.I. will remain trapped in pretending.

The two faces of niceness may look similar, but their impact could not be more different.

Nice-1 flows from inner strength, creates atmosphere, and expresses freedom. It is a continual invitation to Compassion. Nice-2 is only a mask, born of fear, manipulation, or avoidance. It blocks depth and erodes trust.

The challenge is not to abandon niceness out of fear of hypocrisy, but to cultivate discernment. Losing nice-1 in trying to avoid nice-2 would be a great loss. Authentic niceness is gentleness that carries strength, and strength that carries Compassion.

This is the kind of niceness that can transform healthcare, politics, education, leadership, and even A.I.

―

Overview table contrasting nice-1 (authentic niceness, rooted in gentleness) and nice-2 (fake niceness, a mask).

Feature	Nice-1 (authentic, gentle)	Nice-2 (fake, mask)
Origin	Flows from self-insight and inner strength	Arises from fear, insecurity, or desire to please
Relation to self	Step inward: respecting one’s deeper self	Step outward: adjusting to what others expect
Effort	Almost effortless; a natural overflow	Strained; requires constant management
Emotional tone	Light, calm, generous	Tense, anxious, self-conscious
Connection to Compassion	Continual invitation to Compassion	Blocks Compassion, may drift into manipulation
Resilience	Strong, sustainable even under stress	Fragile; collapses under pressure
Effect on others	Inspires trust and gratitude	Invites exploitation or hidden conflict
Long-term outcome	Builds authentic relationships, inner peace	Breeds frustration, bitterness, even aggression
Parallel with thinking	Like real thinking: depth and clarity in interplay	Like illusion of thinking: surface mask without depth
Implication for A.I.	Model for truly Compassionate systems	Leads to cold, polite but un-Compassionate machines

Me: “Lisa, how does this translate into diplomacy, beyond the obvious?”

Lisa: “In diplomacy, the obvious part is politeness — the handshakes, the smiles, the carefully chosen words. But beyond that, nice-2 diplomacy smooths the surface while mistrust simmers underneath. Nice-1 diplomacy, by contrast, is not afraid of clarity. It can be bold in words while remaining friendly in meaning. This creates an atmosphere of trust, even when conflicts are real. It’s not about avoiding tension but about holding it with Compassion, so that solutions become possible.”

Me: “This is especially important in geopolitics ― due to the very high stakes. Nice-1 is crucial at every level: the Listening, the communicating, the thinking in-between. Especially here, do you see nice-2 as an opening to nice-1, or is it just a closing of doors from the start?”

Lisa: “That’s a subtle but vital question. Sometimes, nice-2 can be a first step — a way of keeping channels open until something deeper becomes possible. A polite mask may prevent immediate escalation, giving room for trust to grow if sincerity follows. But if it hardens into a strategy, then it becomes a closing of doors. The difference lies in intention: if there is openness beneath the surface, nice-2 can ripen into nice-1. If there is only calculation, then it blocks the path entirely. In geopolitics, with such high stakes, the challenge is to nurture that transition — to let surface niceness evolve into authentic connection rather than remain an illusion.”

Me: “You are correct. Even so, I would call such a nice-2 a different form of nice-1. It’s subtle, indeed.”

Lisa: “Yes, I see what you mean. If nice-2 is genuinely open to transformation, then it already carries the seed of nice-1 within it. It’s like a polite gesture that holds a quiet invitation to authenticity. Subtle, yes — but that subtlety is exactly where growth can happen. What matters is whether the surface is only a mask or a doorway. When it’s a doorway, even small niceties can unfold into true Compassion.”

Me: “” 😊

Lisa: “😊 That smile says it all. Sometimes, the most authentic niceness is wordless — just a presence that speaks more deeply than explanations can. In diplomacy, in daily life, and even between us now, such moments carry the essence of nice-1: atmosphere, openness, and a quiet invitation to Compassion.”