How to Open Someone to Change

May 23, 2018 AURELIS Coaching, AURELIS Syllabus, Personal Growth No Comments

Trying to ‘open’ someone to a change of view or behavior, is a common situation. It’s that of a coach with a coachee, or of you perhaps, wanting to ‘open’ someone to another view.

People have a natural resistance to be changed.

Quite rightly so. There is a natural tendency towards survival as an individual. For most animals, this mainly means staying on track with a relatively stable set of mental instruments, say: instincts. Humans have a special niche in mental flexibility, overcoming instincts to a huge degree. However, our natural willingness to change may not always have been caching up with our ability.

Nature is not an engineer. Natural evolution is indeed… an evolution, not a starting all over again.

In many cases, this resistance is OK.

Otherwise we risk chaos and a lot of energy expenditure for no good cause. So, this ‘not caching up’ may partly be on purpose.

Meanwhile, nature changes continuously.

All organisms grow all the time, one way or another. This is also a change but into a natural direction. Little trees become big trees. Little children become adults. Adults ‘grow’ too, learning new things. Even dying can be seen as a way of growing.

So, we have a resistance to be changed and an urge to grow. Nice! These together make for an easy-to-grasp solution:

‘Opening’ someone = searching for his natural way to grow.

Too easy to be true? No.

Too easy to be that easy? Yes. The difficulty lies in the searching, the finding and the implementing of the second part: towards ’natural way to grow.’ What this means in a concrete situation is very dependent on that situation, including the person to be changed, the changer, and so many other things.

But at least this is a direction.

In order to open a person – at least in a durable and human way – you need to be open to that person. Right: YOU need to be open first.

This is of course what AURELIS coaching is about: letting yourself – as coach – be open without changing yourself into a different person. Anyway, the latter process would quickly run into resistance by YOU.

As a coach, you grow. This is very interesting, time and again. Is it easy? No. Should it be so?

Dear reader, I do not want to change you.

I would be contradicting this very text.

What I would like, is to invite you to invite yourself to think about this direction, to feel it, to let yourself be open to this. That’s all. No big solutions to big problems today.

In the meantime, what I’m seeing is:

Generally speaking, there is a lot of trying to change someone but coming to naught.

There is also a lot of trying to change someone and succeeding a short while, then coming to naught.

There is a lot of changing someone indeed but coming to dire side effects, even if not readily apparent.

Only growth can truly heal: becoming whole (again).

Leave a Reply

Related Posts

About Communication

You have to Listen to hear it. ►►► WHY read this? In a more and more complex world, communication becomes ever more important.◄◄◄ You listen to someone. This someone talks about all kinds of things. You know what it’s about. You understand what that person is saying. But that is not enough. Do you also Read the full article…

How to Turn a Square into a Circle

‘Turning a square into a circle’ is a metaphor for psycho-therapy. There are two opposite directions: from the inside out and from the outside in. Preliminary In this text, I denote with the term ‘psycho-therapy’ the domain of psychotherapy and mind-related coaching in a broad sense. This text describes a conceptual landscape. Any practitioner, any Read the full article…

Is Short-Term Enough in Therapy?

This issue is relevant to any therapy. In my view, it is most pertinent to psychotherapy. A clear and present tension In psychotherapy, we may expect the quality being largely related to effect-longevity. To many people – as to me – a temporary feel-good is not what is expected from psychotherapy. Contrast this with pharmacotherapy. Read the full article…

Translate »