The Man Problem

March 15, 2025 Cognitive Insights No Comments

More young men than ever feel lost, disconnected, and unsure of their place in the world. The numbers speak for themselves — lower college graduation rates, higher suicide rates, fewer close friendships. Many men turn to performative masculinity – the endless game of proving strength, dominance, or success – only to find it leaves them feeling hollow.

But masculinity itself is not the problem. A lack of depth in masculinity is. And that means this isn’t just a crisis. It’s an opportunity that could lead to a new kind of man who no longer needs to prove himself but instead embodies something more powerful: presence, confidence, and depth.

The fragile masculinity trap

There’s a paradox at the heart of real masculinity. The strongest men are not the ones who constantly try to prove themselves. They are the ones who no longer need to. When masculinity depends on social validation – money, status, or toughness – it remains fragile. It needs constant reinforcement. But masculinity that arises from within is resilient. It does not break under pressure because it is no longer seeking approval.

This shift – from external validation to inner excellence – is the difference between trying to be a ‘real man’ and simply being one.

Strength without hardness

Many men are taught that being strong means being uncompromising, emotionally distant, and always in control. But hardness is not strength. In fact, it often masks insecurity. A truly strong man is both powerful and open. He can handle emotion without being overwhelmed by it. He can stand firm without needing to dominate.

Gentleness and strength reinforce each other. A truly strong man can afford to be gentle. He doesn’t need to overcompensate. And this, by the way, is deeply attractive — not just in a romantic sense, but in every way that matters.

Masculinity as a lifelong evolution

In youth, many men identify with the warrior — striving, competing, and proving. And this is not unnatural. But the highest form of masculinity isn’t the warrior. It is the sage. A man who has nothing left to prove, who influences through wisdom, who embodies quiet confidence instead of loud bravado.

This shift is also why older men can become more attractive, as discussed in The Ideal Man. It’s not about physical appearance. A sage does not chase validation. He simply is, and that presence is magnetic. A warrior may impress, but a sage inspires.

How women can help elevate men

Masculinity does not evolve in isolation. Women play a crucial role — not in ‘fixing’ men, but in inviting them into depth instead of performance. As mothers, they shape how boys relate to emotions. As partners, they can encourage men to step beyond rigid roles and into something deeper.

This support is not about blind loyalty but about being present for someone’s growth. Just as men have a responsibility to cultivate depth, women can create the space where it can flourish. When men and women grow together, masculinity and femininity enrich each other.

The toxic masculinity debate

The term ‘toxic masculinity’ sparks endless debate. Some see it as an attack on men, while others believe it highlights harmful behaviors. But the real issue is not masculinity itself. It is a lack of depth. Performative masculinity – whether it’s ‘alpha’ posturing or online tribalism – is a reaction to insecurity. It is not a solution; it is a symptom.

The better alternative is to offer men a path of deep masculinity that is neither oppressive nor weak but grounded in strength, openness, and real self-mastery.

A path forward

If toxic masculinity is just a mental habit, breaking free from it requires a deep, non-conscious shift. Compassionate affirmations and coaching offer tools for this:

Autosuggestions for inner strength

“I am enough as I am.”

“My strength does not depend on validation.”

“I embrace both power and openness.”

Daily practices for deep masculinity

Start the day with presence, not pressure.

Strive for mastery, not just competition.

Develop emotional presence — own emotions rather than suppress them.

Engage in relationships with depth, not ego.

Reframe setbacks as growth opportunities.

Masculinity, at its deepest, is a path of becoming. A man who embraces this truth doesn’t need external proof. His presence speaks for itself.

No longer having to prove anything

This is where real masculinity finds its fullest expression. A man who no longer needs to prove himself becomes naturally powerful, deeply respected, and effortlessly attractive. He is not trapped in an outdated script of manhood. He is free.

As explored in A Lady’s Beauty is a Gentleman’s Delight, a man who is truly himself invites the best in others. He doesn’t force admiration. He doesn’t demand respect. He simply embodies presence, and that is enough.

From ‘man problem’ to ‘man challenge’ and ‘man opportunity’

Masculinity is evolving. Men have a choice. Stay in the fragile performance of outdated masculinity, or step into something deeper. The first option leads to burnout, insecurity, and endless competition. The second leads to confidence, meaning, and true connection.

This is not just a challenge. It is an opportunity ― not just for men but for women, relationships, and society.

The reward? A masculinity that is not only strong but truly alive.

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Addendum

Me: “Here’s another domain for your coaching, Lisa. Can you share some ways in which such coaching might go wrong and how you would handle that?”

Lisa: “Coaching men toward deep masculinity is powerful, but like any meaningful process, it has potential pitfalls. Here are a few ways it could go wrong—and how I would handle them:

The trap of superficial fixes

A man might come seeking quick tricks to “be more alpha” or “attract more women,” rather than genuinely deepening himself.
🔹 How I’d handle it: I’d guide him toward inner transformation rather than external strategies. Instead of focusing on outcomes, I’d help him explore what he truly wants beyond societal expectations.

Resistance to vulnerability

Many men fear that embracing emotions or depth means becoming weak. They might reject the idea outright or shut down during the process.
🔹 How I’d handle it: I’d help him see that vulnerability is not weakness but strength, much like explored in “Weak, hard, strong, gentle.” Gentle encouragement, rather than forcing openness, is key.

Over-intellectualizing instead of experiencing

Some men might get stuck in analyzing and debating rather than actually feeling and embodying the change.
🔹 How I’d handle it: I’d invite them into experiential exercises—breathwork, self-reflection, or autosuggestion, such as:
💬 “I am already enough, without needing to prove it.”

Confusing depth with passivity

Some men might interpret “not proving anything” as giving up ambition or drive.
🔹 How I’d handle it: I’d clarify that deep masculinity isn’t passive. Striving is natural—but it should come from an inner fire, not external pressure. As in The ideal man, growth is a shared journey, not a solitary performance.

Fear of rejection by women or society

Men who embrace a deeper form of masculinity may worry: “Will I still be respected? Will women still be attracted to me?”
🔹 How I’d handle it: I’d point to real-world examples and show that deep masculinity is not only attractive but also magnetic. When a man radiates presence, confidence, and self-trust, he naturally draws admiration without forcing it—as explored in A lady’s beauty is a gentleman’s delight.

Final Thought

Coaching men in this domain isn’t about changing who they are—it’s about helping them become who they already are, but more deeply. By steering away from surface-level fixes and into real presence, strength, and emotional intelligence, the transformation becomes lasting and fulfilling.”

Me: “How would you handle ‘absolute toxic masculinity,’ given the fact that this also has repercussions on the environment that shouldn’t last too long?”

Lisa: “In cases of absolute toxic masculinity, the challenge is twofold:

The man himself is trapped in destructive patterns—dominance, aggression, emotional suppression, and a performative sense of superiority.
His environment is affected—whether through relationships, workplace culture, or even social influence. The repercussions should not be left unchecked for too long.

How I Would Handle It

Breaking through defensiveness

Men who embody absolute toxic masculinity often see themselves as strong, dominant, and in control. If confronted directly, they may double down on their mindset.
🔹 Approach: Instead of attacking, I would subtly invite self-reflection through coaching techniques and Socratic questioning:

“What does real strength mean to you?”
“Who are the men you truly respect? What qualities do they have?”
“What would happen if you no longer had to prove anything?”

This shifts the focus from defending their toxic behaviors to questioning their deeper motivations.

Challenging the mask without humiliation

Toxic masculinity is often a fragile shield covering insecurity. If this mask is torn away too aggressively, shame can trigger even worse behavior.
🔹 Approach: I would challenge specific behaviors while keeping the deeper identity intact:

Instead of “You’re being toxic,” → “What do you think is driving this reaction?”
Instead of “You need to stop dominating others,” → “What does real leadership look like?”

This approach prevents unnecessary resistance while creating space for change.

Using strength to invite depth

Many men caught in toxic masculinity fear losing their power if they change. I would reframe depth as an enhancement of their strength, not a loss of it.
🔹 Approach: Show them that the strongest men are those who integrate depth. I’d introduce them to concepts from “Weak, Hard, Strong, Gentle,” highlighting that true power is not rigid, but adaptable.

Addressing the environmental impact

If his behavior is harming others (partners, colleagues, children, society at large), change cannot wait for personal insight to develop slowly.
🔹 Approach: Immediate intervention where necessary, such as:

Bringing in external accountability (workplace policies, social pressure).
Encouraging those affected to set boundaries and not enable toxic patterns.
Using coaching in parallel with direct consequences, so the man sees the impact of his actions without feeling cornered into resistance.

Inviting a new narrative of masculinity

If a man lets go of toxic masculinity, what replaces it? Without a new model, he may relapse into old patterns.
🔹 Approach: Introduce the Sage-Warrior transition from “The Ideal Man.” Help him see a better version of himself:

Not a lesser man but a deeper man.
Not a controller but a presence that others naturally respect.

The Need for Both Compassion and Boundaries

Toxic masculinity can’t be ignored or excused, but it also can’t be shamed away. A blend of firm boundaries, deep insight, and a compelling alternative creates the best chance for transformation—both for the man and those around him.”

Me: “On the other hand, a man may seek your coaching because he “lacks assertiveness in a man’s world.” How would you manage this?”

Lisa: “A man who feels he lacks assertiveness often struggles with self-doubt, fear of confrontation, or an internalized belief that standing up for himself is ‘wrong’ or ‘risky.’ He may feel overlooked in work, relationships, or social settings where more dominant personalities take control.

At the same time, assertiveness is not aggression. The goal is not to push him toward “alpha” behaviors but to help him embody deep, calm confidence—a form of strength that is both firm and composed.

Defining true assertiveness

🔹 Approach: I’d first clarify that assertiveness is not about overpowering others but about standing strong in one’s truth. It’s about:

Expressing needs and boundaries without apology.
Holding presence without shrinking or overcompensating.
Embodying authority without needing external validation.

We might explore The Ideal Man, emphasizing that real strength is not about proving but about being.

Identifying the root issue

Some men struggle with assertiveness because of:

Fear of conflict.
People-pleasing tendencies.
Subconscious beliefs that ‘real men’ should always be agreeable.

🔹 Approach: Through dialogue and autosuggestion, I’d help him uncover and shift these patterns:
💬 “My voice deserves to be heard.”
💬 “I can set boundaries with strength and respect.”

Teaching embodied presence

Assertiveness is not just about words—it’s about energy and posture. Many men who struggle with it physically shrink themselves—hunched shoulders, avoiding eye contact, hesitant speech.

🔹 Approach:

Body awareness exercises—deep breathing, standing tall, grounding techniques.
Controlled voice training—slowing down, speaking with intention.
Role-playing real-world scenarios—workplace discussions, personal relationships, setting boundaries.

Reframing masculinity: from warrior to sage

🔹 Approach: I’d show him that a man doesn’t need to be aggressive to command respect—he needs to be anchored in himself.

The warrior fights for dominance.
The sage commands through presence.

This transition allows him to step into deep, quiet confidence.

The final integration: daily practices for assertiveness

🔹 Approach: We’d create a simple, daily plan:

Morning autosuggestion: “I step into my strength effortlessly.”
Mid-day check-in: Noticing when he hesitates to speak up—then doing so anyway.
End-of-day reflection: Celebrating moments of assertiveness.

Final Thought: The power of quiet strength

A man who lacks assertiveness doesn’t need to become louder—he needs to become more grounded. True masculinity is not about shouting over others but about standing unshaken in one’s own presence.”