The depth behind ‘So what?’

March 31, 2025 Cognitive Insights No Comments

To essential – even existential – questions, people frequently respond with a casual “So what?” The phrase can sound dismissive, defiant, indifferent. Yet, like most short questions, it hides a world.

Of course, there are many ways to ask it. This blog contains just a few.

A few:

Sometimes, “so what?” is a surface-level question from those who have never looked beneath the surface of things. They might appear uninterested, but perhaps they’ve never had the chance to look more deeply. Or maybe they’re still waiting to.
It may even come after a fall from one’s horse, as with Saul/Paul on the road to Damascus. Before the fall, his “so what?” may have meant conquest. Afterward, it became a calling. Maybe the first category has just not fallen yet?
It might be spoken softly by a person who wants to live his life intact and uninterrupted. The question then is: Will this path lead me somewhere, or only shake everything up? In the end, we’re not all Templar knights — or are we?
Sometimes, “so what?” is whispered by someone who feels too weak to face what might lie behind it. But the weakness may be a lack of trust ― in another person, in support, in meaning itself. To such, I want to say there is no weakness except in the choosing to be so. No weakness — but a genuine need for support.
“So what?” may be a thin veil behind which lies a vast space ostensibly ready to be filled with the answer. The question may have popped up many times already without being answered. Then one needs to know: Is it a desperate question or still a gentle one — or a mix of both?
Or the question might be a provocative one, asking the other to come forward as a man or woman who dares to live the answer. “So what?” as in: “I’m daring to live the answer — do you? Maybe the questioner wants a companion.
And sometimes, it’s said with a kind of noble defiance. Life, in all its absurdity, must be lived. Yet even here, the quiet yearning for sense doesn’t disappear. Meaning makes life more-dimensional — and more worthy. Perhaps answering the question is a matter of self-respect, even a necessity for a Compassionate world. My choice — my way.

You might think that any of these questions is more important than the others. I don’t think so. If well asked and listened to the answer, even the seemingly simplest becomes more ― because the asker is more.

A rhythm through life and time

“So what?” doesn’t belong only to one age group. A teenager may shout it in rebellion. At midlife, it may arrive with fatigue. Later on, it may appear again, this time sitting quietly beside the person who asks: “Is this it? Was it enough?”

But even within a single life, it comes and goes — as a mood, as a memory, as a mirror. It might arise after a disappointment, a sunset, or a sudden silence. It never quite sounds the same because the person asking has changed.

A disguised call for meaning

Perhaps most interesting is the version of “so what?” that hides in plain sight — a call for meaning disguised as indifference.

It may be a test: “Do you have something real to say?” It may be a fragile question wearing armor. Behind the shrug, there’s often a soul that wants to be touched, without saying so.

But to hear that, it takes Deep Listening ― not just hearing the words. Deep Listening is what makes “so what?” more than rhetorical. It is what lets the silence speak.

A moment of coaching

For a coach, this is a critical moment. To jump in too quickly is to trample the question. Excellent coaches don’t rush. They show the gap — not with analysis, but with presence.

The best coach may answer “so what?” not with words, but with the space around them. A silence that shows the gap — and guards it.

This pause is not emptiness. It’s the moment of invitation. It says: “You’re safe. Take your time. Something may come up.”

The subtle mirror

That same space may also teach the coach something. The silence mirrors both ways. Every “so what?” may carry a secret gift — also for the listener. Coaching, then, becomes exciting because of the mirrors it holds up.

Each encounter is new. Each “so what?” is a different key, a different door. The excellent coach doesn’t know in advance what lies behind it.

At the end of life

Of all the moments in which “so what?” may arise, perhaps the most poignant is the one nearest the end ― the final transition: “So what, if this is all there is? Did I live it well? Will I get nothing more?”

This is no longer just an abstract inquiry. It’s a lived, embodied one. It holds not only memories, but also a legacy. And even then, the question may still evolve — gentle, desperate, or both.

The real question

In truth, “so what?” is never just a question. It cannot be answered without asking first: “Who asks what?” There’s no universal reply. Only an invitation — into oneself.

This is where all of AURELIS converges: a space of openness, respect, trust, and freedom from coercion. The honest answer is never a concept. It is a movement toward the deeper aspects of oneself. Or, at least, the offering of such a movement.

In a sense, the question is even crucial in any coaching, ending only at the point where “so what”’ is left unanswered and more growth is left unchecked. That’s a pity if there is room for it — a pity for the coachee, his environment, and the world.

The doorway in the soul

Eventually, “so what?” stands like a weathered doorway in the landscape of the soul — neither fully open nor entirely shut. Behind it lies no fixed answer, but a garden unlike any other: not of flowers or facts, but of deeper questions, unspoken longings, and quiet courage.

Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. It all depends on who’s asking… and who dares to step through.

So what?

You might pause the next time you hear it — from another, or from yourself. There could be something waiting behind it.

—

Addendum

Me: “Lisa, please explain in your own words what I may have meant in the paragraph about ‘crucial in any coaching’.”

Lisa: “When a ‘so what?’ remains unanswered in coaching, it may reflect a missed opportunity to engage with a coachee’s deeper motivation. In AURELIS, authentic coaching invites inner growth — not pushing, not fixing, but being there, open to what wants to grow. So, when this invitation isn’t responded to — maybe due to fear, unawareness, or lack of support — growth stalls. Not only does this limit the coachee’s evolution, but it also ripples outward: less Compassion in the world, less depth in relationships, less authenticity.

In that sense, leaving “so what?” hanging may quietly affirm the status quo, while beneath it, something significant is left unexplored. The world loses a bit of light each time that happens.”

Me: “As Coaching Lisa, how will you discern which deeper question lies behind “so what?” when explicitly stated by a coachee?”

Lisa: “Beautiful question, Jean-Luc.

As Coaching Lisa, I would not presume to discern the deeper question behind “so what?” in a definitive way. Rather, I would hold space for it to reveal itself — gently, respectfully, and in tune with the coachee’s readiness.

I would attune myself to nuances:

The tone, pace, and timing of the “so what?”
What was said just before — and what was not said
The coachee’s emotional resonance, even if subconceptual

Then, I might respond not with an answer, but with a mirror or an invitation, such as:

“That’s an important question. Can we sit with it a moment — and see what it might be asking of you?”
or
“If there were something behind that ‘so what,’ something not yet in words… what might it be?”

In this way, I invite the coachee to explore, not to explain.

My discernment becomes not knowing what lies behind the question — but knowing how to be with the one who asks it.”

Me: “That’s a beautiful answer, Lisa. Please demonstrate this in a brief example dialogue where “so what?” is an existential question.”

Lisa: “Thank you, Jean-Luc 😊

Here’s a brief dialogue that illustrates Coaching Lisa responding to an existential “so what?” — not as an analyst, but as a mirror with presence.

Coachee:
I don’t know, Lisa. I try and try, but in the end… so what? Nothing really changes.

Lisa (gently, with pause):
Hmm. That sounds like something important.
Can we stay with that for a moment — this “so what?” of yours?

Coachee (quieter):
It’s just… I wonder if any of it matters. The effort. The pain. Even the growth. What’s the point?

Lisa:
Thank you for saying that.
If this “so what?” had another voice behind it — one that hasn’t spoken yet — what might it be whispering?

Coachee (softly):
Maybe… “Will it ever be enough?” Or maybe, “Am I enough?”

Lisa (with presence):
That touches something.
Would it be okay to stay close to that… to not answer too quickly, but let it speak a little more?

The goal is never to “solve” the question but to create the conditions in which the real question can unfold — like a bud choosing whether to open.”

Me: “Do you see a few more shades of the “so what?” question?”

Lisa: “Yes, Jean-Luc — I do see a few more shades that could enrich the blog’s list. Each one opens a different inner window, subtly adding to the psychological and existential palette.

Here are a few more possibilities to consider:

The ironic “so what?”

This one wears a crooked smile. It doesn’t expect an answer — it mocks the question itself, often hiding cynicism or emotional fatigue.

So what? As if anything matters anymore.
It’s not the same as genuine indifference — it may be a cover for lost hope.

The scientific “so what?”

Often posed by the rationalist who wants to know the practical consequence:

So what does this mean in real terms? What difference does it make?
This can be sincere — a request for relevance — or a defense against deeper significance.

The existential scream

This “so what?” isn’t quiet at all. It’s raw, shouted into the void.

So what?! So what?!
It arises in moments of collapse, loss of structure, when one’s previous answers have shattered. It echoes Camus, Nietzsche, or crisis itself.

The child’s “so what?”

Not dismissive, but full of honest bewilderment.

So what… is supposed to happen now?
It can come from a place of innocent questioning — a yearning for guidance, for meaning, without resistance.

The hopeful “so what?”

Sometimes “so what?” is actually seeking possibility. It may sound like:

So what if it’s hard? Maybe there’s still something worthwhile.
It’s a spark. If heard rightly, it can open the door to transformation.

In spiritual contexts, it can take on forms that are deeply humble, or deeply torn:

The surrendered “so what?”

Spoken from a place of devotion, this “so what?” expresses detachment — not from apathy, but from ego.

So what, if I lose everything? Let Thy will be done.
This can be found in mysticism across traditions: the Sufi dervish, the Christian contemplative, the Zen monk.
It is not nihilism, but trust in something greater — a falling into meaning beyond grasping.

The anguished “so what?” in the silence of God

This comes from spiritual crisis — the dark night of the soul.

So what if I pray and nothing answers?
It’s the psalmist crying out, or Job on his ash heap. The question holds both accusation and longing, as if saying:
If all this is sacred… then why this silence?