Never Give Advice (in Coaching)

April 20, 2023 AURELIS Coaching No Comments

Advice is stronger than suggestion. It tells someone what to do, whereby the other person feels obliged to follow the advice.

Never say ‘never.’ OK, almost never.

In this text, as in several others on this blog, ‘coach’ is mostly shorthand for AURELIS-coach. There is a clear difference.

Advice precludes the from-inside-out.

Thus, it stands in the way of what is most pertinent in good coaching — the personal growth to which both the coachee’s symptom and the coaching invite him.

So, less advice is mostly better. Even if the advice is eventually correct, it may hinder the coachee from finding his own way to come to the same point. Moreover, by not following the individual path, there is no in-depth integration and, therefore, less durability. Any obstacle may quickly reverse the positive gain.

Each setting is different.

The coach never entirely knows the coachee’s situation. Not even the coachee consciously knows most of his own situation.

This should be clear for any good coach, who should imbue this insight to the coachee. Giving advice – which is always somewhat general – quickly points in the opposite direction. The coachee thereby sees his situation as less unique.

Anxiety versus responsibility

This may relieve anxiety ― “my case is known; I’m not the only one; no more thinking needed; others will take care of this.” A conclusion has been reached, and at least the promise is that better times are near. However, this may come at the cost of Inner Strength and taking responsibility.

With the proper support of excellent coaching, the latter is almost always preferable. By not relying on advice – by default – the coach will naturally search for what the coachee needs at a deeper level and provide optimum coaching. Surely, in this case, that is crucially needed without any doubt.

On the other hand, giving straightforward advice may diminish anxiety in a ‘cheap’ way. It may lead to the feel-good of the coach and coachee. The client/coachee may be content for a while, but little durability or true happiness is involved. The happening is symptomatic. In an AURELIS setting, we want more.

Better than straightforward advice is (auto)suggestion.

This subtly nudges the coachee.

If the latter reacts positively, then this indicates that it may be a good path to continue. If not, then nothing is broken. Even more, the reaction to non-response may be an efficient element in the coaching itself. It shows the coachee how to deal with such situations — for instance, during an AurelisOnLine session.

Namely, if nothing seems to happen, don’t enforce anything. Perhaps something important is happening underground. A seed may be starting to become alive? One can try other things in a friendly, non-coercive way. After a while, one may come back and rejoice in the hackling. Anything is possible in growth, especially at a new beginning.

If too much advice is like tearing at a plant to make it grow, autosuggestion is like giving it the food and sunlight it needs, then letting it do its growing.

That’s far better in most cases.

Lisa never gives advice.

Naturally, Lisa’s whole coaching is based on the suggestive way, taking care at the same time of the responsibility to see things happening fruitfully.

I think this speaks for itself.